5 rules for how to write a classic one-liner joke

I'm a psychologist, not a professional comedy writer (After all, how funny is this first sentence?). But when, about 20 years ago, I took up to an hour each day (and I mean, for 365 days) just to write jokes, gags, and one-liners for cartoonists, comedians, and speakers, I thought I was clever enough to make it a life-long habit.

It was fun, I learned a lot, and I even sold a few jokes. However, by the end of the year my ability to keep cranking them out disappeared and I burnt out.

The experience taught me 3 things: First, I'm not cut out to be a full-time comedy writer. Second, I developed a strong appreciation of the professional comedy writers who can do this day after day, year after year. And third, I did learn how to put together a one-liner. I have used this knowledge ever since in speeches, meetings, other writing projects, and social conversation.

I have come to the conclusion that it ain't rocket science. If I can do it, you can do it (provided that you have a good sense of humor, a facility for word-play, and nothing better to do).

Before I give you my magic formula, I should tell you that formulas don't work. A great one-liner, like any work of art, has its own unique inspiration, follows its own unique rules, and surprises us in its own wonderful way. Also, the jokes I will use as examples are original (not particularly funny, but certainly original). That's because I don't want to get sued, especially by some comedian who claims I was stealing his or her jokes.

So here are 5 rules for creating a one-liner:

RULE 1: Choose 2 topics-1) the content of the joke, and 2) the surprise topic. For example, let's say you've been putting in a lot of overtime at the office. Now, just for the sake of making this a good mental exercise, let's also say that you combine this topic with the fact that you have a dog. Here is one possibility of combining them: "I've been putting in so much overtime, that I came home to an empty house last night. I found a note. It said, 'I can't take it any more. I've gone for a long walk in the park to think over our relationship.' It was from my dog."

Ok, so it's not that funny. That brings us to...

RULE 2: Look for opposites, especially ridiculous and impossible opposites. Many, many great jokes rely on opposite meanings. A few years ago at a Rotary meeting in which I ended the year of my presidency, I wanted to say a few things before turning the club over to my successor. I began by saying, "Before I formally hand over the reins of powerlessness, ..." It got a nice laugh.

RULE 3: Build up the joke in a certain direction, so that the listener is locked into one assumption, and then spring the joke on them. For example, talk as if it is something important, and end with something trivial: "I should like to introduce my business partner, my mentor, my best friend, and a man to whom I owe five bucks, ..."

RULE 4: Put the key word or phrase, the one that changes the meaning, at the very end of the one-liner. You'll notice that the very last words in the previous three jokes ARE the joke (dog, powerlessness, five bucks). Imagine a cocktail party. Everyone has a drink in his or her hands, except for one guy. His wife turns to him and says, "You know, George, you really SHOULD have something to drink--otherwise people will think you're an alcoholic." This is a lot funnier than, "You don't want people to think you're an alcoholic, do you? You'd better drink something." This second line isn't as funny because the second topic (alcoholism) is introduced before the end. It blunts the surprise and therefore the comic shock at the end.

RULE 5: Get rid of every unnecessary word and idea. Nothing ruins a one-liner more than even one extra word. My wife, Christine, is a Paramedic with the Chicago Fire Department (She was my hero long before September 11th). She works a 24-hour shift. Over the years I've developed a stock response to people who ask me if I'm worried about my wife being in the firehouse all night with all of those men: "Gee, you're right. I'd better call and warn those guys." Is there one unnecessary word in that response? I don't think so.

So there it is. Follow these rules, and you can create a one-liner. Will it rise to the level of a Henny Youngman, a Jay Leno, an Ellen DeGeneres, a Bob Hope, a Richard Pryor, or a George Carlin? Probably not, but it's fun, it's creative, it's a good mental exercise, and--who knows?--you may discover that you have a talent for it.

Oh, and one word of caution. If while you are following these rules you think of something truly funny, forget the rules. Go for what's funny.

The 10 Commandments for Avoiding a Public Relations Disaster

Unless you've been living alone on a desert island with no communication, you know that we've experienced recently a spate of public figures who have virtually lost their careers because of inappropriate statements that became public knowledge. If only they had received divine guidance in how to manage their personal public relations, they might still be enjoying their successful careers. The author has recently discovered an ancient scroll with ten sacred commandments that can ensure that the reader will avoid these public relations pitfalls.

1. Thou shalt think – and think clearly and carefully – before thou speaketh or writeth.
2. Thou shalt not write or say anything (that is, ANYTHING) that thou wouldst not be proud to see quoted in the media.
3. Thou shalt never say or write anything that is “off the record,” since thou knowest that in today’s world, NOTHING is off the record.
4. Thou shalt avoid jokes and trying to be “funny” or “cute,” since thou knowest that most humor has a hostile and sarcastic element. Thou shalt leavest the humor to the professional comedians and comedy writers.
5. In whatever thou sayest and writest, thou shalt ask, “How would someone who hates me interpret this?”
6. Thou shalt keep things positive, and avoid the negatives.
7. Thou shalt not insult any specific individual or group.
8. Thou shalt avoid the temptation to say something controversial, or to offer an “off the cuff” opinion about anything controversial.
9. Thou shalt offer opinions only within one’s own areas of knowledge, competence, and experience.
10. When in doubt about what to say or write, thou shalt consult.

The author is not certain which ancient public relations firm wrote the above ten commandments. However, their relevance for today's world is unquestioned.

Top 7 Keys To Persuasive Writing

One major reason we write anything is not only to inform, to entertain, to share, to express, to sell, to lead, to teach, to communicate - but also TO PERSUADE. Here are 7 tips based on what I have noticed over the years in what I believe is persuasive writing.

1. Start by identifying the inner needs - especially the emotional inner needs - of your audience.
We persuade when we connect with emotions. Maybe you're topic is gardening, for example. Think about why people garden. What are the emotional needs that gardening fulfills? Is it for a sense of beauty, or working with your hands, or creating something from nature? Whatever it is, identify it in your writing.

2. Ask a lead-off question.
Make it a question about your topic that will focus your audience's attention, interest, and motivation. Let's say, for example, you want to persuade your audience to learn more about classical music. You might start by asking, "Would you like to learn how classical music can help you become more successful in your work?" (Not that I know the answer to this, but it's an example of how to get your audience's attention.)

3. State what will happen to your audience if they do what you want to persuade them to do.
What will be the consequences? "It is a known fact that the people who increase their income are usually the ones who take the time to increase their vocabulary." This can also work negatively: "People who ignore their vocabulary generally do not make as much money as those who do."

4. Give step-by-step, brief, specific instructions that your audience can do easily in their everyday lives.
Give 3 to 5 steps, and write them as bullet points.

5. Predict how your audience should begin to feel if they do what is recommended.
Paint a word-picture of how they will look, what they will feel like, how their lives will be different if they do what you are suggesting.

6. Give a specific example.
Tell a brief story - either from your own experience or from a documented, well-known situation - that illustrates how your solution solves the problem and achieves the goal.

7. End with a good quote, one that is powerful and that will tell the story you want to tell.