5 rules for how to write a classic one-liner joke

I'm a psychologist, not a professional comedy writer (After all, how funny is this first sentence?). But when, about 20 years ago, I took up to an hour each day (and I mean, for 365 days) just to write jokes, gags, and one-liners for cartoonists, comedians, and speakers, I thought I was clever enough to make it a life-long habit.

It was fun, I learned a lot, and I even sold a few jokes. However, by the end of the year my ability to keep cranking them out disappeared and I burnt out.

The experience taught me 3 things: First, I'm not cut out to be a full-time comedy writer. Second, I developed a strong appreciation of the professional comedy writers who can do this day after day, year after year. And third, I did learn how to put together a one-liner. I have used this knowledge ever since in speeches, meetings, other writing projects, and social conversation.

I have come to the conclusion that it ain't rocket science. If I can do it, you can do it (provided that you have a good sense of humor, a facility for word-play, and nothing better to do).

Before I give you my magic formula, I should tell you that formulas don't work. A great one-liner, like any work of art, has its own unique inspiration, follows its own unique rules, and surprises us in its own wonderful way. Also, the jokes I will use as examples are original (not particularly funny, but certainly original). That's because I don't want to get sued, especially by some comedian who claims I was stealing his or her jokes.

So here are 5 rules for creating a one-liner:

RULE 1: Choose 2 topics-1) the content of the joke, and 2) the surprise topic. For example, let's say you've been putting in a lot of overtime at the office. Now, just for the sake of making this a good mental exercise, let's also say that you combine this topic with the fact that you have a dog. Here is one possibility of combining them: "I've been putting in so much overtime, that I came home to an empty house last night. I found a note. It said, 'I can't take it any more. I've gone for a long walk in the park to think over our relationship.' It was from my dog."

Ok, so it's not that funny. That brings us to...

RULE 2: Look for opposites, especially ridiculous and impossible opposites. Many, many great jokes rely on opposite meanings. A few years ago at a Rotary meeting in which I ended the year of my presidency, I wanted to say a few things before turning the club over to my successor. I began by saying, "Before I formally hand over the reins of powerlessness, ..." It got a nice laugh.

RULE 3: Build up the joke in a certain direction, so that the listener is locked into one assumption, and then spring the joke on them. For example, talk as if it is something important, and end with something trivial: "I should like to introduce my business partner, my mentor, my best friend, and a man to whom I owe five bucks, ..."

RULE 4: Put the key word or phrase, the one that changes the meaning, at the very end of the one-liner. You'll notice that the very last words in the previous three jokes ARE the joke (dog, powerlessness, five bucks). Imagine a cocktail party. Everyone has a drink in his or her hands, except for one guy. His wife turns to him and says, "You know, George, you really SHOULD have something to drink--otherwise people will think you're an alcoholic." This is a lot funnier than, "You don't want people to think you're an alcoholic, do you? You'd better drink something." This second line isn't as funny because the second topic (alcoholism) is introduced before the end. It blunts the surprise and therefore the comic shock at the end.

RULE 5: Get rid of every unnecessary word and idea. Nothing ruins a one-liner more than even one extra word. My wife, Christine, is a Paramedic with the Chicago Fire Department (She was my hero long before September 11th). She works a 24-hour shift. Over the years I've developed a stock response to people who ask me if I'm worried about my wife being in the firehouse all night with all of those men: "Gee, you're right. I'd better call and warn those guys." Is there one unnecessary word in that response? I don't think so.

So there it is. Follow these rules, and you can create a one-liner. Will it rise to the level of a Henny Youngman, a Jay Leno, an Ellen DeGeneres, a Bob Hope, a Richard Pryor, or a George Carlin? Probably not, but it's fun, it's creative, it's a good mental exercise, and--who knows?--you may discover that you have a talent for it.

Oh, and one word of caution. If while you are following these rules you think of something truly funny, forget the rules. Go for what's funny.

Top 10 violin concertos of all time

If you’re looking for objectivity, you won’t find it here. I’m a psychologist by profession and an amateur violinist. So the following list and the explanations are purely subjective, not the opinion of a professional musician or musical scholar, and will probably change by the time I finish writing this. Nevertheless, as of today, here are the top 10 violin concertos of all time (in rank order), and why I think so.

Number 1 – Ludwig van Beethoven, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra in D major, Opus 61, written in 1806.
"The Gentle Giant." A serene piece of music made of the simplest materials but of immense scope and structure. One of the greatest cultural achievements of Western civilization. Listen particularly for the 5-beat element present almost everywhere in the 1st Movement.

Number 2 – Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra in D Major, Opus 35, written in 1878.
"A true blockbuster." This is the most popular violin concerto ever written, and with good reason. Written in a burst of happy inspiration, it has been on the best-seller list of audience favorites for over 125 years, and shows no signs of disappearing.

Number 3 – Johannes Brahms, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra in D Major, Opus 77, written in 1878.
"Depth and romanticism." The ideal combination of classical form and romanticism from the unique voice of classical music’s most introspective poet. He had to have been in love when he wrote this one.

Number 4 – Niccolo Paganini, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra No. 2 in B minor, Opus 7, written in 1826.
"Dramatic, theatrical, virtuosic, and seductive." Italian opera with the violin solo as a kind of super-soprano voice. You can almost see the curtains opening at the opening orchestral introduction. The ultimate combining an operatic aesthetic with spectacular instrumental virtuosity by perhaps one of the greatest virtuosos and underrated composers of all time.

Number 5 – Jean Sibelius, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra in D Minor, Opus 47, written in 1903.
"Emotional, majestic, and exciting." This has been an audience favorite ever since it was popularized by the great Jascha Heifetz. The rugged nature of the two outer movements is in complete contrast to the exquisite beauty of the slow movement, which has a long melody played only twice.

Number 6 – Felix Mendellsohn, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra in E Minor, Opus 64, written in 1844.
"Seamless elegance and heart." The model of what a violin concerto should be. Pure song from beginning to end. It actually sounds as if it was never actually “composed,” but always existed in the atmosphere somewhere, only to be plucked out of the sky by Mendellsohn and written down for others to play.

Number 7 – Bela Bartok, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra #2, written in 1939.
"Animalistic fury from the heart of the Eastern European backwoods." This concerto is simultaneously in classical sonata form, a theme and variations, and with all of the inspiration of an improvised fantasy. Its nature is deep and stark, just as the turmoil of the world the composer lived in.

Number 8 – Dmitri Shostakovich, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra, #1, Opus 99, written in the 1950’s.
"The darkness of the 20th Century." Unusual in being in 4 movements, whereas most concertos are in 3. Introspective and vibrant. The 3rd Movement, “Passacaglia,” is a theme and variations of almost agonizing intensity.

Number 9 – Edward Elgar, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra in B Minor, Opus 61, written in 1910.
"Victorian pomp and emotional sensitivity all rolled into one." This is one of those “old-fashioned” concertos that keeps popping up as timeless. The depth of emotion, genuine sentimentality, regal dignity, and consummate virtuosity inherent is this music is all perfectly combined and direct from the composer’s heart.

Number 10 – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Violin Concerto #4 in D Major, K. 218, written in 1775.
"Purity, song, and perfection." How can you have a top-10 list and not include Mozart? In fact, how can Mozart possibly have sunk to 10th place? The 3rd and 5th Concertos may be more popular, but to me this one has such sheer beauty, liveliness, and heart, that it never fails to move me.

The 10 Commandments for Avoiding a Public Relations Disaster

Unless you've been living alone on a desert island with no communication, you know that we've experienced recently a spate of public figures who have virtually lost their careers because of inappropriate statements that became public knowledge. If only they had received divine guidance in how to manage their personal public relations, they might still be enjoying their successful careers. The author has recently discovered an ancient scroll with ten sacred commandments that can ensure that the reader will avoid these public relations pitfalls.

1. Thou shalt think – and think clearly and carefully – before thou speaketh or writeth.
2. Thou shalt not write or say anything (that is, ANYTHING) that thou wouldst not be proud to see quoted in the media.
3. Thou shalt never say or write anything that is “off the record,” since thou knowest that in today’s world, NOTHING is off the record.
4. Thou shalt avoid jokes and trying to be “funny” or “cute,” since thou knowest that most humor has a hostile and sarcastic element. Thou shalt leavest the humor to the professional comedians and comedy writers.
5. In whatever thou sayest and writest, thou shalt ask, “How would someone who hates me interpret this?”
6. Thou shalt keep things positive, and avoid the negatives.
7. Thou shalt not insult any specific individual or group.
8. Thou shalt avoid the temptation to say something controversial, or to offer an “off the cuff” opinion about anything controversial.
9. Thou shalt offer opinions only within one’s own areas of knowledge, competence, and experience.
10. When in doubt about what to say or write, thou shalt consult.

The author is not certain which ancient public relations firm wrote the above ten commandments. However, their relevance for today's world is unquestioned.

Top 7 Keys To Persuasive Writing

One major reason we write anything is not only to inform, to entertain, to share, to express, to sell, to lead, to teach, to communicate - but also TO PERSUADE. Here are 7 tips based on what I have noticed over the years in what I believe is persuasive writing.

1. Start by identifying the inner needs - especially the emotional inner needs - of your audience.
We persuade when we connect with emotions. Maybe you're topic is gardening, for example. Think about why people garden. What are the emotional needs that gardening fulfills? Is it for a sense of beauty, or working with your hands, or creating something from nature? Whatever it is, identify it in your writing.

2. Ask a lead-off question.
Make it a question about your topic that will focus your audience's attention, interest, and motivation. Let's say, for example, you want to persuade your audience to learn more about classical music. You might start by asking, "Would you like to learn how classical music can help you become more successful in your work?" (Not that I know the answer to this, but it's an example of how to get your audience's attention.)

3. State what will happen to your audience if they do what you want to persuade them to do.
What will be the consequences? "It is a known fact that the people who increase their income are usually the ones who take the time to increase their vocabulary." This can also work negatively: "People who ignore their vocabulary generally do not make as much money as those who do."

4. Give step-by-step, brief, specific instructions that your audience can do easily in their everyday lives.
Give 3 to 5 steps, and write them as bullet points.

5. Predict how your audience should begin to feel if they do what is recommended.
Paint a word-picture of how they will look, what they will feel like, how their lives will be different if they do what you are suggesting.

6. Give a specific example.
Tell a brief story - either from your own experience or from a documented, well-known situation - that illustrates how your solution solves the problem and achieves the goal.

7. End with a good quote, one that is powerful and that will tell the story you want to tell.

7 Easy Ways To Instantly Improve Your Public Speaking

I'm a professional psychologist, a member of Rotary, a book author (on achievement motivation), a resume writer and career coach, and someone who has heard an endless number of professional and non-professional speakers for over 30 years. I've seen how it's the little things that make a big difference. Here are 7 "little things" you can do that will instantly improve your public speaking dramatically.

1. TALK TWICE AS SLOW. Most speakers (even professional ones) talk too fast. Have you ever listened carefully to professional speakers on TV? They talk slower than in normal conversational speech. Slow down. Take your time. Don't rush through individual words. Linger on them. It may feel unnatural, but just listen to a tape recording of yourself. It will undoubtedly sound a lot better.

2. TALK TWICE AS LOUD. Most speakers talk too softly. Speak up. It may seem to you that you are screaming, but (again) a tape recording will prove that it sounds fine.

3. ENUNCIATE THE CONSONANT SOUNDS CLEARLY. When we listen, we hear clearly because of the consonant sounds (the "hard" sounds - sss, t, d, p, m, and so forth), not the vowels (a, e, i, o, and u). Pay attention to those hard sounds. Make sure they are clear and distinct. Exaggerate them.

4. USE SHORT SENTENCES. You may like speaking in long, long sentences, but your audience doesn't. Break up your ideas into short sentences. "Once idea per sentence" is as good a rule for speaking as it is for writing.

5. PAUSE OFTEN. Forget the ummmms and the aaahhhhs. Dead silence for a few seconds may seem like an eternity to you, but an audience doesn't mind it at all. Take your time. Pausing creates interest and anticipation.

6. ORGANIZE YOUR TALK AROUND 3 TO 5 BULLET POINTS. No matter what you may think of off-the-cuff speeches and how entertaining they may be, nobody likes rambling on and on. Whatever you have to say, put it in the form of 3 to 5 bullet points. You'll make listeners out of your audience.

7. SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST. What is the most important, the most dramatic, the most impactful thing you have to say in your talk? Figure out what it is, and PUT IT LAST. That's the most effective way to end a talk.

7 Steps To Reduce Your Biggest Worry Today

There is not a human being who has no worries. Some of our worries are small, and some are big. But every day, there is usually one worry that bothers us through the day. The problem is that we often do nothing about it. Yet if we were to do something (even taking a minor action), it would reduce the worry considerably. Here is a 7-point, step-by-step method to reduce or eliminate your major worry today.

1. Write it down. Don't just let the worry rattle around in your brain; get it down on paper. And make it specific. No matter how big or small it may seem to others, what - specifically - is your biggest worry today?
2. Make a list of 3 to 10 specific, practical actions in the real world that you could take to do something about it? Now, pick one of those steps that you could actually do today, and write it down.
3. Take a nice comfortable breath, like an ordinary, everyday sigh. Pay careful attention to the relaxation it creates. Now focus that attention completely on that one action step you just wrote down.
4. Give yourself a positive self-pep-talk. Tell yourself that you will succeed in solving this problem and achieving your goals. It doesn't matter whether or not you believe it, just say it.
5. Create a picture in your mind's eye of yourself performing that action. See yourself doing it. What does it look like when you perform that action? What does it feel like?
6. Now, visualize what will happen when you complete the action step. See yourself having accomplished it. Notice what it feels like to have accomplish it. Notice how accomplishing that action step impacts your worry and reduces or eliminates it. Get that picture in your mind's eye.
7. Now, do it. Perform the action now or as soon as possible. This has to be your #1 priority today. It is only when you actually do something tangible about a worry that it ceases to be as big a worry. Let's just say that you're taking what was experienced as a crisis and turning it into a solvable problem that you can do something about.

5 different managerial personality styles—the upsides and downsides of each.

The General – If you’re a General, you’ve got the most traditional management style there is. An office is like the military, and you are the senior officer in charge. You are the General Patton of the business world. You are in charge of everything. You are a complete and thorough autocrat. Your word goes. If anyone doesn’t do what you want them to do, or if they disagree with you, they’re gone. That’s because you know better than anyone else. Compared to you, Nero was a pushover. The upside is that things get done the way you want them done, and you are respected for your competence and achievements. The downsides? First of all, nobody likes you. There are also problems of staff morale, loyalty, and fear of you (which can inhibit performance). But perhaps the worst downside (and you won’t like reading this) is that because you won’t tolerate arguments, you also won’t get realistic feedback of things you need to know.

The Bureaucrat – Congratulations; you are one of the most popular types of managers there is. You go by the book. To you, if it isn’t written down in a procedures manual somewhere, it doesn’t exist. Your entire focus is rules of procedures, standard procedures, paperwork (or its modern computer equivalent), and traditional ways of doing things. You evaluate everything and everyone by whether the proper procedures were followed. Upside? Stability, clear expectations, and everyone knows what to expect. Downsides? You guessed it: No room for creativity, flexibility, or response to needs for change. And, most important of all, you consider procedures as more important than results.

The Sidekick – You are everyone’s pal, everyone’s best friend. Your concept of “team building is to have staff parties and other social events. You think that if you maintain good relationships with everyone and if they like you, then they’ll do their job. You hate conflict and disagreement, and you’ll do anything you can to smooth over the arguments and differences of opinion. You’re goal is to build a cohesive team of people who all appreciate each other. The upsides include good office communication, positive working relationships, and togetherness. One downside is that behind your back everyone thinks that you are weak and that you don’t take charge. And if there is something that has to get done that requires you to give a direct order, you can’t do it, because you think that you can’t give an order unless everyone likes it.

The Promoter – You are a salesperson, missionary, and motivational speaker all rolled into one. You are convinced that if you can “sell” everyone on what they need to do, if you can give them a sense of mission and importance about the job, if you can get them to really “believe,” then they’ll do the job. And you are the chief cheerleader. Upside? Enthusiasm for the job? You bet. Downsides? How about the fact that you are a manager and that those who report to you are hired to listen to you and do what is expected. Nobody has an employment contract that says, “If you aren’t enthusiastic about the job, we don’t expect you to have to do it.”

The Expert – You know the details of your job and everyone else’s. Everyone calls you “Doc.” You assume that people will listen to you as a manager not because the company says that you’re in charge, but only because you know what you’re doing. To you, being a “manager” is just bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo and game-playing. “Real” authority comes from knowing your profession. Upside? You will be respected and followed for your competence and your respect for others’ competencies. Downside? Sometimes people are required to listen to you because you’re the boss, not because of your technical knowledge. Otherwise, if they disagreed with your technical knowledge or have a different solution, they don’t have to listen to you.

If any one of these describes your personality on the job, you ought to keep in mind the upsides as well as the downsides. Also, realize that it is possible to adopt one of these styles in one situation and another style in a different situation where it is the most appropriate.